I Chose This Life

 Several months ago I had the mother of one of my kids' friends offer to 'help with university' as I 'must feel like I've been held back and unable to truly make something of my life due to my horrible past.'. 

She wasn't super impressed by the fact that I work at a dairy farm. Didn't I feel cheated out of making something of my life by not going to university like she was able to? 

Umm...nope! 

I have always loved working with dairy cows, not necessarily always with certain people over my 20+ years in the dairy industry but, I have never regretted my decision to not go to university and pursue a different career.

I love where God has placed me today. I am able to spend time with and homeschool my son Dexter, I am available for any and all medical appointments and school functions for my girls AND I only live 5 minutes from my job! I mean really, why would I complain?!?!?

An added bonus, is that I am able to contribute financially to our household, which is a big thing for me. I have tried being the stay at home mom that I see so many other women achieve (with success, I might add), but that life is just not for me or my family...at least not at this stage of our lives.

I don't feel gipped out of being able to go to University. It's not that I am against it or anything, I've just not had enough of an inkling to go, never mind spend the money on it. It has been and still remains a willful decision on my part.

So ladies, please leave other women alone. Don't attack their career choices or lack thereof. It's one thing if someone is searching for help/assistance in an area, but don't make them feel like they are 'less than' just because they do something that to you is a little on the ordinary side. 

Who Is Allowed To Have A 'Say' In Your Life?

"You need to wear makeup." 

"Don't wear your hair like that, it makes your face look too long." 

"Keep your teeth together, you look grumpy when your jaw is open."

"You had sex before marriage, you can't wear a white wedding dress." 

"You will never keep a job more than a year if you leave this one." 

"You should write in a private journal and not in a blog."

All of the above statements were said directly to me.

For some reason, that last one really ate at me and I have been allowing it to erode my purpose in writing in this blog.

While I do find it to be healing in sharing my thoughts and experiences, my main reason for starting and continuing this blog is to help others who have found or are in the process of finding themselves in similar situations.

Yes, I do write some more personal details and whatnot, but how else are we to reach others if we are hiding our true selves in the process? 

Who else other than myself, is in charge of what I choose to share about my life and innermost feelings and experiences? 

I am going to dig up the Laura that started this blog, to reach inside myself and unchain the grit and determination that I've had for so many years. 

Putting a stop to the intrusive thoughts, ignoring the people who discourage, and not allowing the every day stresses of life to put a stop to my current purpose in life needs to be of utmost importance right now.

October 30th, 2020

Being strong is SO much more difficult than people think.

I don't know if there's any other way to put it. Sometimes you just don't like being the 'strong one', that you should be able to have a weak moment.

I remember as a teenager I had thought about joining the military. My mother kinda freaked out on me, she told me that she didn't believe that a Christian woman should join up.

But now, some 24 years later, I'm realizing more and more that I am a soldier for Christ.

Think about it... I've been abused in many ways with no remorse on the side of the abusers, I've had supposed family turn their backs on me when I needed them the most, I had to leave everything I ever knew to be able to save my physical/mental self.

I still have very little family who truly cares for me or my husband/children.

Doesn't that sound a lot like what today's military woman has had to go through?

I'm not looking for pity, I'm not looking for a pat on the back either. 

My goal is to encourage others through showing my pain and difficulties and how God is able to be there during all of it.

I think that God wants me to show people my heart, struggles and triumphs. I may be in the midst of a struggle and not able to tell you that I've gotten through something yet, but it'll happen...eventually. It always does, He is faithful that way.

Lately I've been finding it difficult to have my daily Bible reading. And Journaling, yeah....thats virtually non existent.

However this morning, as I was having my devotions, my 5 year old son was cuddling with me and we ended up just sitting there listening and singing along to Praise and Worship songs. As I sat there with my son, I felt this overwhelming peace come over me. 

My son Dexter has sensory processing dysfunction(sensory seeking) and ADHD but in that moment, that BEAUTIFUL moment...he was quiet and listening, sometimes trying to sing along to the Praise and Worship music.

God was telling me that I was still doing good, even though (in MY eyes) I didn't measure up to what I thought my life as a wife and mother was supposed to look like...I am whole in Him, I am right where God wants me to be.

Man, tears flowed down this momma's face this morning, I tell ya! It was amazing!

I realize that today's blog is a bit of a mix of two entries but its one of those 'sorry, not sorry' sorta things lol. 

This is just what you have to deal with today! (Or don't lol, that's fine too)

And to my baby brother,...I will always love you and will be here for you no matter what the world has thrown at you. My arms have been and always will be open.

Have a great weekend, my peoples!!